Missus Snow Mistress and Missus Heat Mistress
by Bruno Bacardi
Summary: A holiday song fic: so there's some singing, dancing, and general raunchiness with Minato and friends. Happy Christmas!


**A/N: Here's a holiday song omake. If you are not familiar with the American Christmas classic, ****_A Year Without a Santa Clause_****, I suggest you do a YouTube search for the Snow Miser/Heat Miser song before reading on. This little stage show will make more sense if you are familiar with that bit of context. **

**Missus Snow Mistress and Missus Heat Mistress**

Sitting on a throne upon a dais was a woman who, for lack of any better words, was quite strikingly beautiful. Her sandy brown hair framed her face in a layered bob cut. Upon that perfectly coifed mane she wore a ridiculous straw hat. In fact her whole wardrobe was rather unique; it was all a clash of mixed matched fashion. She wore a loose fitting kimono that could reveal everything with a shift of her body. Fastening the loose fitting robes was a set of chains caressing her ample bosom. This was the Snow Mistress, and this was her time of year. She gazed out into the distance with a dispassionate look as horns started to blare in a booming swing-time jazzy rhythm.

Flanking her throne, starting to sway to the music, were here attendants. A blonde aristocrat stood to her right, wearing form fitting courtesan attire befitting the most noble of women. She seethed through her blond locks, threatening to flood the dais with torrents of water. "Why dost thou insist on my partaking in such frivolous pageantry?"

"It's Christmas" A voice in the audience reprimanded.

"I willst concede on one condition, that thou start fulfilling thy husbandly duties!"

"It all depends on your performance, Tsukiumi, now relax and enjoy the fun."

"I wouldst not consider this fun, associating with a frigid ice mistress and that veiled harlot over yonder." Tsukiumi said as she jerked her finger at the Snow Mistress and the other attendant that stood to the left.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch before you flash them. This will be fun. C'mon it's almost our time to start the number. And for your information, I'm here because I'm amiable and The Maker likes me." Uzume said defiantly.

"Verily, thou hast offered up thy body to this Maker in exchange for a starring role."

"For your information, The Maker is a happily married man and we're fictional characters, so our feminine wiles do not transcend into the real world, now get ready it's time to start dancing, Miss Panty Flash!"

"Cease calling me Miss Panty Flash." Tsukiumi seethed as she started doing high kicks in time with the swinging beat, flashing her panties with each reach of her legs.

Akitsu snickered at the irony as she stood up from her throne and high kicked and stepped her way down the dais steps. When the frosty sekirei reached the bottom she started singing, "I'm Missus White Christmas…" With this Uzume fluttered her veils around Akitsu whispering (this is why I'm here). "I'm Missus Snow…" Akitsu waved her hands and snowflakes started drifting down at their feet. "I'm Missus Icicle…" Tsukuimi blasted a torrent of water at Akitsu who quickly froze it as she continued singing. "I'm Missus Ten Below…"

Akitsu started tipping her hat to the rhythm as she shimmied her ample assets, "Friends call me Snow Mistress, Whatever I touch, Turns to snow in my clutch…" The frost maiden fingered one of Uzume's veils and turned it into a drift of snow. "I'm too much!"

The three sekirei hooked arms and started high kicking to the music. Tsukiumi and Uzume released their hold on Akitsu and curtsied with a flourish, gesturing to the frigid sekirei before beginning the next verse.

"She's Missus White Christmas…" Uzume sang with a fanfare of veils.

Uzume and Tsukiumi spun and waved their arms at Akitsu as they sung in unison. "She's Missus Snow…"

Tsukiumi blasted Akitsu with water which froze into sparkling ice. "She's Missus Icicle…"

"She's Missus Ten Below…" Uzume and Tsukuimi bowed as Akitsu strode forward spreading more snow onto the stage.

"Friends call me Snow Mistress, Whatever I touch," Tsukuimi sprayed water at Akitsu who ran her fingers through the torrent. "Turns to snow in my clutch…" As the water passed through Akitsu's fingers it crystalized into fluffy drifts of snow.

"She's too much!" Tsukiumi and Uzume sang in chorus.

Akitsu stepped out in front of her 'attendants' and continued to sway and sing. "I never want to know a day, That's over forty degrees, I'd rather have it thirty, Twenty, then Five, then let it freeze!"

The three sekirei hooked arms again and started high kicking. "She's Missus White Christmas, She's Missus Snow, She's Missus Icicle, He's Missus Ten Below…"

Tsukiumi and Uzume lifted Akitsu onto their shoulders, "Friends call me Snow Mistress, Whatever I touch, Turns to snow in my clutch…"

Crossing her legs on her human throne, "Too much…" with that she leapt from Uzume and Tsukiumi's arms and landed at the edge of the stage with her arms raised as her 'attendants shot a spray of water and veils above her head which Akitsu turned into a sprinkling of snow. "Too Much!"

A round of applause erupted from the audience as the snow bunnies made their way off the stage and stage hands started prepping for the next number.

"That was quite different." A silver haired woman in a lab coat stated indifferently.

"What? You didn't like it?" Minato asked his mother.

"Well, it was just silly; I think you've been hanging around American's too much." Takami smirked.

"Too much…" Minato sang along interrupted by some banging at the theater door.

A muffled voice could be heard behind the locked doors. "Please let me in! I want to bond my family! Pleeeeaaaase Takami! Let me see my son and daughter… I'll leave my cape at the door."

"Who's that?" Minato asked.

"Oh, just some eccentric cape wearing dandy." Takami bowed her head and muttered something incoherent.

Deep in the shadows of the hallway outside the theater a dark black figure with a skull mask emerged and made his way toward the raving lunatic banging on the door. The dark figure loomed over the small man in shoe lifts. "Hiiiiiyeeee!" A nasally voice exclaimed from the Dark figure. "I am the… um… er… bouncer of this theater. You are bothering the guests of this establishment I need to ask you to leave."

Minaka looked at the death figure and screeched. "Aaaaahhhhh! Shinigami! Leave me alone." With that Minaka fainted.

Back in the theater the lights dimmed and the stage lights bathed the stage in green. This time an androgynous figure in black sat on the throne. S/he had close cropped silver hair framing a lovely face. S/he too wore a ridiculous straw hat which was definitely out of place amidst the sharp tailored black suit. This was the Heat Mistress or was it Miser, and this was not necessarily her, or was it his, time of year, but s/he had little choice in the matter. S/he glared at Minato for forcing him/her into this predicament. Soon the horns started to blare in that oh-so-familiar booming swing-time jazzy rhythm.

The attendants this time were more cooperative and cheerful. To the left was a young girl in a green summer dress, bopping in rhythm to the music. Flanking the throne on the right was a buxom raven haired beauty in a deep purple dress that left little to the imagination.

"Oh lighten up Homura, at least he didn't put you into a show girl outfit." Kazehana smirked at the androgynous sekirei sitting upon the throne. "C'mon ladies, it's time to start the number.

Kazehana pulled a reluctant Homura to his/her feet and pushed her/him toward the front of the stage. Homura's voice was hesitant as s/he started singing. "I'm Missus Green Christmas…" The young girl in the summer dress waved her hands and the stage floor filled with lush vegetation. "I'm Mister Sun…" Homura seethed; which is it missus or mister, why doesn't the dolt just kiss me and stabilize my gender already? Homura channeled all her/his frustration into creating a hovering ball of fire. "I'm Missus Heat Blister..." A gust of wind funneled into the ball of fire and caused it to burst into brilliant flames. "I'm Mister Hundred and One"

"They call me Heat Mistress…." Homura's body radiated as s/he sang. "Whatever I touch, starts to melt in my clutch." Homura danced stiffly as s/he sang. "I'm too much!"

Kazehana and Kusano, the Mistress's attendants, started to sing as they danced around the Miser. "He's Mister Green Christmas…" Ku sang as she pranced around causing flowers and wild grass to sprout around the stage. "She's Missus sun…" Homura conjured up a fiery ball yet again, which Kazehan blew up with another blast of wind. "He's Mister Heat Blister, She's Missus Hundred and One…"

"They call me Heat Miser…" Homura burst into flame and shouted, "Cut the music." S/he marched down the stage steps and grabbed Minato. "For once in your life, make up your goddamn mind! Don't think just follow your desires." And with that, Homura pulled Minato into a passionate kiss. Homura's breast filled out, bursting though the suit top as she felt other things change in her body. "That wasn't so bad now was it?" Homura said with a wink as she snapped her fingers, signaling the music to start again. "Whatever I touch…" Homura placed her hand gently down Minato's pants. "Starts to melt in my clutch…" She gave a loving squeeze before releasing her grip. "I'm too much!

Homura saunters back toward the stage giving Minato a seductive glance over her shoulder. "I never want to know a day, That's under sixty degrees, I'd rather have it eighty, Ninety, one hundred's a breeze!"

"Oh, some like it hot, but I like it…" Homura bent over seductively and licked her lips. "REALLY hot! Hee hee!" She turned around and gave Kazehana a high five as Kusano continued to frolic around the stage sprouting greenery wherever she stepped.

"She's Missus Green Christmas!" Kusano sang with a cheer and raising Homura up onto a throne of luscious vines.

"She's Missus Sun!" A blazing ball of flame burst above the theatre.

"Sing it!" Homura sang as she laid seductively on her throne, freed from the bonds of sexual ambiguity for the first time in her life.

"She's Missus Heat Blister, She's Missus Hundred and One!" Kazehana blasted the theater with a whirlwind of sakura petals.

"They call me Heat Miser," Homura jumped from her floral throne and sauntered over to Minato, jumping onto his lap. "Whatever I touch…" She started rubbing herself seductively on Minato's lap. "Starts to melt in my clutch…" She breathed seductively into Minato's ear. "I'm too much!"

"Too Much!" Her attendants chorused as they spread greenery and sakura blossoms throughout the theater.

Miya stood up and started to brandish her ladle. "There will be no illicit…"

Homura smirked at Miya. "This isn't Maison Izumo so anything goes." She said huskily, running her fingers through Minato's hair.

Miya hmmphed and made her way out of the theater. "Well, have fun, I am going home." As she passed through the theater doors she smirked at the figure of Shinagami. "Let them have their fun; I will get my time, right?"

"Rightyo, Landlady-dono! And you will get him all to yourself." Shinigami responded.

"Okay, we'll I'll be off." Miya said exiting the theater making sure to stomp over Minaka's unconscious body. Takami followed shortly after, holding Kusano in her arms, not wanting to witness Minato's indiscretions, muttering something about corrupting youth. She too made sure to trod all over Minaka's fallen body. They were followed by Yukari and Shiina who traipsed all over Minaka's unconscious form as they made their exit.

Shinigami closed stage door giving Minato and his Sekirei some privacy. "Well, that was a nice little show. I hope you enjoyed this little bit of holiday fluff. I'll return to more serious writing endeavors in the New Year. Happy Christmas and I'll see you in 2013! Biiiiyeeeee!"


End file.
